I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Farmville is her only friend.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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