Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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