i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
