My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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