We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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