Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I need water and some morals
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