The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
