you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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