1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
