Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
