definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
