So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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