I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
