I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
