...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
