these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
