WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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