you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
