If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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