First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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