Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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