I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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