I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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