Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
