can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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