my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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