How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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