smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
