I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Randomize
