Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
