My nipple is on Facebook.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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