if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
