Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
