we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
