I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
