this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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