My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I want to fling myself into the sun
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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