He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
