i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
