the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
