I think I died a long time ago.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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