Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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