At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
God, I missed his penis.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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