I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
