Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
