I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
