It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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