theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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