How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize