Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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