i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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