You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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