don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
