can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
