he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
