So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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