I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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