so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
